Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.