Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

When your man makes a valid point

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.