The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth