The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
…u ok Nintendo?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”