The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.