Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

ㅤ

I feel seen

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH