The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job