why is this so accurate
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
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So here I am, dressed as an 18th century Nun, watching Bruce Willis movies. Old habits, die hard
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“Stop hitting me.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.