The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
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Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Well, this is awkward
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off