The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
bat life
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
