The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.