THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Lmao the reply
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.