The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”