Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.