Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird