Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*