Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

cry laughing at this shit

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.