The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Any refunds available?…
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.