The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
and now we wait
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
kevin is now a local weatherman
#Caturday
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.