The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
best first i’ve ever seen
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
The honesty is refreshing
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship