The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
cry laughing at this shit
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace