Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars