The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*