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My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Thrilling chase underway
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”