The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already