The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Jupiter
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here