The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Me too 😆
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night