The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
🌱🌱🌱
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.