The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume