Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner