Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season