The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
OKAY DAD
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!