The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
You Might Also Like
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
me after eating Cheetos
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
