The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
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I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
That was easy.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born