Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down