Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old