Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

◾️

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

He is just living hist best little life 😊

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Seems kinda suspicious

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!