The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
🙄😏😂🤣
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!