Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.