The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
You Might Also Like
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
You better wish for more oil
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle