The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.