The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?