The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
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Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
smh
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”