The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.