The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
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Humor: the only thing I like dry.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“HELP WITH CAT”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.