The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
We have a winner.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
This hospital has everything
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.