Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

How times have changed.