The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
You Might Also Like
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system