Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

I hope they boil the right one.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot