Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.