Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us