The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.