The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.