The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me