The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!