Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.