Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.