Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.