The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.