The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
🚲+physics = winner
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*