Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂