The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
You Might Also Like
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
This forever.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*