The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water