Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.