the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
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If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Breaking news:
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Worth a try
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.