Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.