the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
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they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit