Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.