Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

From my Mom

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no