Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

oppen heimer style lol

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

Feels

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”