the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
fly smarter, not harder
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail