The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
