The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
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Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
what the hell girl, sure
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
This is my cat’s medicine.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.