Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Bruh 😂

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.