Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.