The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
sry
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.